Screwed up,outcasted,rejected..

August 27th,07...
3:45 at night...rather morning..

Firstly please stop sniffing fish about the time...its my normal time to go off to bed...
nothing special about it....
I knew it long back...but it's not only about knowing..its all about realizing..
sumthing...we never as such "come out" or "move on in life"...
its never a series as such..or a numeric list that one comes after
another..
we love..rather tend to love ...we often fall where we r not
reciprocated..but things always remains the same..situations change..
views change....at tymes we move away..drift away from our past and
left out thoughts..but once again...a moonlit night,a rainy sunny
afternoon,coffee at night...or a sunrise at dawn takes us back to
those days that we claim to have left behind...
always....

love...so damn strange...never cud i understand wat's it..never could I comprehend...
but I know...Love is sumthing I have for u,may b Had...or may b will
have for ever...dunno...i am not very sure about this forever thing...I dun trust tym..
It so fu*king changes and so fast..weird..!!
hmm...people have a cause to leave back...not really...something to look
forward at...wish I had one..I ain't complaining..just a lament..
thou useless...
no..
everyone has smthn to look forward to...
all u hafta do it search it frm within.....
what ur heart wants....
thn think a bit on it........before u commit urself to the cause
therz not a thing to search..
I need to make a new beginning....but at tymes this theory fails..
as all does..
but i feel I have reasons..thr r sum till to die if i suicide..
for them i'm tied..
but u kno what..
never tie a man to the bedpost..he'll die a worse death...
but death is just the beginning...just a mere start to a new cause...
u cant set slots in ur life.....
one self grows from another.....when u think abt a new beginning and reinvent urself...
dun forget that it was what ur older self had been thru that made u do so....
this realization itself binds us to our past..to our future.....

out loved ones...our hate ones.......they r the one who saw us thru......
we r only given choices....and none of them is the right choice....
the sliver lining....none of them are wrong either
but who decides whatz right and wrong.....
who says therz a parameter..then how r choices right or how r they wrong..they are never...
what makes me sit back here at 3:30 in the night..rather morning...y can't I go off to sleep lyk the rest of the world...so many of them can't be wrong...but they are i know..i know they are...
uff..see I again went to this right and wrong issues..
what made me never to sit back with a copy and practice some shit called Academics from those
piles of book that I even dinnot bother to buy...
wat happened to me..?did I thinK i am a hero or something...?following phases were not too sad but painful...for me at least..
the world saw it differently..they went by comparison..they overlooked that it was the rest of them who faired badly..and just that made me a bit stand apart..they failed to realise it was not my credit..but the discredit of the rest..but y not...y wasn't it my credit..did I devote myself in somebody else..??
or did I at all..
confused am I...ppl say true devotion never fails..but was it true..now again...those abstract terms of true and false bothers me...
sigh...........
nothin is s 'normal'........its general......no one's mad........they are 'bothered'...(or not at all)
it's statistics.....these r terms of our society....
smthng i utterly disrespect...........
buy y do we??u kno tht i cant reason.....
mayb cuz i smtym think that if i ws sittin in the beaches of maldives....
with the inky ocean all around...the palms...the warm sand.......all day....all night........,y heart strecthin out nd away........my eyes seein more than that is there........
tht i wld hav been the happiest person...u c..my dear,that this dream i cant turn to reality.....or even try...
cuz society intervenes.......
if we donot care about the society then how comes we care or not..
y do we hate society..??
coz it cumes between u and our dream...??
perhaps I kno y do I hate society..
coz I have to answer to every stupid critic who r worthless enuf to n fucked out..
every tym a girl comes over to my place overnite...
I hate society coz the frequency of my mom's visit increases many fold tym each tym its locked
or some frnd comes to my room and shez of opp sex..how strange..
I hate society coz I have to think b4 fallin in love with a girl that what is the future of relationships..is he earning enuf to buy her a dress...shit..all shit dear..!!
I hate society coz once u hold hands on road u r behind bars..but rapes goes on even without tax...none actuall bothers apart from the victim..
huh??tax..tax is on legal money..most of it out there r bribes..but wats their fault...
5 children 2 wives in home...100/- per day is too meagre..where from moral comes when we have no dry roti to stuff down our throat...but in the end life goes on and society rocks...
here mayb.......
but not elsewhere........
but b it anywhr.......
it hinders u frm doin what u wish....frm ur heart...cuz it has no respect for innocence...

Friends never say "goodbye"...!!

Even today when I look into the horizon,
Why your eyes make me forget the pain of death,
Why in this world of hatred,tortures and poison,
I breathed protected in your heaven of faith?

Life has much more been a mere journey with u
It's worth looking back,and admire now...
You brought smile to my white trembling lips,
And gave me back what I lost forever.....

You gave me the best memories of my short life
Only those were the hours,when I really lived
U know what were the best days on this knife?
Your hugs and kisses that I cherished for life..

How easily u said a "goodbye"
But failed to see the way I shattered
I'd someday really like to know why
How could u miss things that mattered??


I always found you when I was hurt and broken,
Y can't I see u at this hour then?
If u r still there and I can't see.....
My eyes are then blinded by tears of glee.

In our journey of life we ran towards light
My tears became taunts since both were bright;
Today I sit back and think where I was wrong
It was when I realised,your absence played the song

May b someday,I kno....u will return
Dunno,ifmy fuel by then already run;
I decided to smoke my lungs to ashes,
or drink like hell to avoid your flashes..


Remember what u once said to me...
"we knoe each other too well to fall in love"
Life became enchained by life's own sorrow..
In these eyes ther's no hope for tomorrow..

Remember those days when we stood against the world,
But never did I hear a word came outta ur lips..
Remember those words that u always said..
"never leave a girl alone when she is upset"

Dunno whether I can leave without you,
But I kno sure I wanna die by you..
I hate to smoke as much as u do
But I'm not left with any optons too...


Dunno how u got me before I ever said,
Before any request from my side was made;
I just cried gripping my pillow tight,
But respected you lyk hell during our fight.

I want u to get the best in life,
That makes me someday proud;
Least I can say with my head held high,
With you I spent the best moments of my life...

My life was just an open book....
But none cared to give it a look;
It was the story of a screwed up guy...
who'll never b able to bid u bye..!!!!