My Best Birthday

A blurred hazy evening,years back...
the hug i gifed was felt deep within
words unsaid but all the luv was felt
I know that evening will never be wiped.

My father that evening had reached sixty
The best I gifted was a hug,from deep within;
My first drawing,wrapped up with care,
I gifted him the best posession of my life.

But it was the last I gave him a hug,
Then I grew too big to bow to hug...
Something called ego crept deep inside,
Never had a time to be by his side.

So many friends,I grew so much...
Felt ashamed to love him like a kid;
Hardly felt the need to talk to him,
Failed to look for pain,we once shared

Returned home when it was almost dawn,
He waited all night with cakes and candles;
Remembered it was my eighteenth birthday...
A drop of tear silently rolled down unsaid.

The Bloody Red Wine

The glass with that red wine
Brimming to the top,
The drop of tear streaming down
runnels down your cheek;
The drop of tear freezes to pearl
all pink and white,
Dropped in the glass,bloody wine
splashing all over...

The child screamed far,far away
amidst dry desert,
Soothing sound of rain splashing
unheard for ages;
Raindrops hitting against the glass
driving me mad,
Wish I could jump,run,dance,shout
do what I did...

The orange sky,the red setting sun
slowly it violets.
In the sound of waterfall,a hollow
I felt in me;
A splash in the calm,blue sea
down,down below,
The arrow shoots out of the bow
wish I stopped it...

The blue beam of beautiful light
killing me,
The crystal reflecting sunlight
felt dark deep in;
The vulture soared high above
wish i could fly,
Drop from the most beautiful eye
down the rosy face...

I prayed eyes closed,folded hands
with salt and whore,
You kissed my lips,touched me,
felt heaven;
Your nails pricked deep my throat
never cried a bit,
The bloody red wine bathed ur nails
I closed my eye...

I Loved You

One winter morning I woke up to see...
Beauty bathed in wine,and dew dripping from her hair,
Her elegant smile,warmth of her love,
Refreshed me always,like a fresh blooming bud...

Hugged her for life,kissed on her lips,
Innocent of all decisions that I was about to take.
Her wet body with my warm one,
Kissed my chest,whispered "thanx a lot,sweetheart"...

A million words unsaid,unspoke,since that day,
Wedding ring shinning,memories flashing by.
That bugging thought "loyalty a lie,sacrifice the test...
Hatred is love,just at its best..."

It's selfish of me to break all promises,
To leave unfulfiled those dreams,we dreamed together,
But I'll have to leave her for EVER,forever,
May be a cheater,a hatred,a loser,a liar...

Yes,a loser,I lost against life,
Yes,a liar,I promised you company for ever
Its hard to realize,"Its the last day of your life"
Before tomorrow's dawn,I'll be dead,"a day back"...

The Dance in The Rain

Friendship growing in those dark silent alleys
Wet walls,damped ground,
It was cold and I was shivering,
But as I returned to sanity,felt the warmth.

It wasn't the sun,shinning too high;
Nor lit up fire,
A warmth of love,of care,
It was what kept me going for ever,ever...

From summer middays to frozen winter nights...,
In ups and downs,
In rolling down tears;
You made me win battles I lost before years..

The azure moon shone where the way ended;
We ran madly,
through ways we never knew;
Nothing could stop us,as we held the other's hand.

It started raining,dark evening,murky sky,
I held your hand,
Ran out of the shade;
And then the best moments,"The dance in the rain"...

That Last Meeting

(dedicated to that evening at my place before you left,our emotions,tears,promises,rememberences,love,friendship, thoughts,care,feelings,strength,weakness for each other)



In my blurred vision I saw u smile,
But I knew,it was fake;
A last chance to make things fine,
You fought a lost battle to hide your tears

I couldnot help but to cry like a kid,
Clasping your hand tight;
You embraced me,gave me a hug,
In your arms I felt lyk being in heaven...

The storm outside was no greater than the in
Tears flowed like rain;
Could not let u go from my arms,
Windy dusk changed to purple cloudy gloom

Memories of the past times I spent with you...
Those shared thoughts...
Those emotions we had for the other...
Your teary eyes,trembling lips had never been better

...And you left,trying hard to draw a smile,
To make me feel you are here;
But I knew,before tomorrow's sun,
My buddy would be leaving me ,already gone...

Are You Gone????

Its tough 2 say goodbye...
But how,when u get one??
Wish it was a stronger tie...
Wish u had never ever gone

A sense of belonging,sharing the deepest thought..
Midnight long past,its almost dawn
Remembering those battles we ever fought
Losing sense of time,till u are gone


Wish I cud say"please stay back"
Cudn't u hear,deep inside i shouted
Voice was all that was a lack....
Weren't u supposed 2 know what i wanted?


So happy was I realizing friendship
Millions of thought,but all were dues,
Everything crashed with silently pressed lip
All in a goodbye,said by u...


Don't leave me alone cried the kid..
But by then u have already gone
UR memories,thoughts and what I did..
Welcoming lonely,the cool Grey dawn...

Those Frozen Dreams....

It was on a chilling,crazy winter night
Sitting by the road,clutching my fingers tight
Realized,I have a dream,needed to fight...
It was too late,time already took the flight..

When nights were long and dreams were few,
I sat by window,whispered"wish it was true",
A silent whisper,a crashing dream,a frozen tear
With all my heart,I wish I was there.........

"Don't compromise yourself,u are all u have got"
Is this what, for which I have fought???
Those glimpses of dreams that I have caught
"compromise" and "moving on" is what time has taught..

Its really painful when all those dreams shatter
They had been for ma a lyftym treasure...
Is it dreaming or fulfilling them that matter?
Thatz the reason,tears in my eyes glitter.....

Dreams of winter crashed on that summer....
all it ended in was my small mummer
I wept alone with none to care.....
Unfulfilled dreams became nightmare.....

I already knew nxt 4 yrs gonna b hell
But with whom I'd have shared my tale?
Winds already puffed in,lyf ahead is a sail..
tears in eyes,smile on lips,A vain distant wail....

Every single night I can't help but to cry..
"I'm happy,laughing" to myself I lie..
Can u give another try to that teen???
Now I know,watz shattering of dreams mean.....

Someday i'll have all but those I cherished,
Those hopes unfulfilled,leaving dreams vanished....
Money,name,fame....what about those I wanted...??
All stared at me,all eyes astounded....


I want to flee and hide in the past...
"I'll make things better"-this u can trust
It's like the stars and all clouds cast......
"Your shine doesn't matter"...came out at last....

I Miss You A LOT........

Was it Crying or Just Tears Rolling Down???

Can crying really be so comfortable?
When I laid my face against ur shoulders...
Or hugged you tight for life..
With my eyes filled with tears....

I've closed down my eyes
Never intending to show u tear dropping
But they overflowed somehow....
Tried for life but cudn't keep the vow...

I know u felt my hot tears
For u pulled me back softly all of a sudden...
And then I saw despite my blurred vision
Tears shinning in ur eyes too....

All the pain was gone and it was solace
Clinging to each other.........
With our tears merrying with each other...
Somehow I cudn't help but to remember...........

Yes my dear,
This was how my tears comfort me...
When I have got u after a long time
And in my joy,I felt like crying....

Winds Of Change.......

September 23rd,2007

8:30 in the evening

Last 2 days had been a hell outta lyf..!!

It’s a long tym since I bid bye to school I felt kinda void…But for the first tym on the 6^th,that’s day before yesterday I felt I am kinda liking my college.It was my first bunk.We friends went to City Centre…dunno somehow felt it’s the starting of a new life,a new dawn may be…but yeah,It was good enough as a first time experience..City Centre with college friends looked as a different experience..Feels as I we have grown up a lot,adults,a heroic feeling u know,butterfly flapping inside stomach with kinda small fear of getting caught,a bit of repentance for missing classes…but over all the journey was a nice one.thr too the lunch with patties,and Ice-cream with hot chocolate sauce and nuts(hey…stop being jealous)...then after all day of tiring college,returned home panting at 5:30…mom xpected a lot of me,rather from me,u know..!

And most importantly..the new terms..”lyaad khaoa”,”gaatu maal”,”gaat mara”’”sitter deoa”…hee hee…sounds good actually…college terms u know..Songs lyk “sutta”and all coming to light…college means grown up actually…

Now yesterday…another awesome day out…Meet a friend at JU…and then a cool sizzling session at Golpark CCD…with Chicken Pizas,sizzling Brownie and caffe frappy(of crs all at her cost..!!!!!)then all evening at JU…with some instrumental stuufs going on stage..but I was more interested in chattin with the girlfriends….no intentions made…!!

But it was not before today morning after wakin a little before 10 ht I realized that I am supposed to give internal Xamz in 8 days time…nd I am absolutely ignorant about syllabus and stuff…not eve touched a single book. surely gonna flunk bigtym…But that hardly made any difference…I am as usual…cursing the study-freak people and enjoying life….as usual..!!

At tymes I feel it had been great that I had not been through any of those “reputed” so called “top instuitions”….otherwise life would hve been hell…I can’t work hard..I won’t..I hate the concept of forceful mugging up till 4 am at night and in the process producing the best breed of engineers…A true engineer is one who enjoys his lyf…and see..I am..!!

Wish everything stopped altogether.....

1st of september'07

sharp 2:40 at night

Todayz been a long tiring day,and yup..lemme inform u something first.This writing is a bit different coz i'm half lying on my bed,and its my laptop here...its a long time since I felt so down.The night outside is awsome.I know most people hate this,coz its hot,but somehow I seem to like today's night.semi cloudy sky with moon continiously been eclipsed by them,but wateva,leaving the scenry better.All around,it is dark and silence..strange though.After a long time I'm missing my friends.I was just recapitulating a few years of my life.They changed so soon..too soon to decipher or for me to understand.schooling had been really a enjoyment in the last couple of years.A real good xperience.......Oh no..!!!!!momz shouting loud..shez freak to see me awoke so late a night.But nevamind,its a routine affair..Regular words which I always refuse to obey.And the best part is some cool breeze blowing making the curtains dance and take different shapes...the night guard whisteling hard.Doesn't that man have a darn idea that it can disturb ppl??Strange..At tymes I harrow..."y r so many people around us so stupid??"Y do I find them weird.just a few minutes back was there an ISD from a friend.It feels gud to tak to frnds whom we bid bye months ago..but oh no..I mised the track..whr was I..yup,my life..strange,another leap from school to college..it feels good being in college..mind u not coz ppl get a strange fun in bunking classes and enjoying thenselves being tanned in the sun,but coz college is a place where thr r too few ppl to irritate me.coz we have a few good teachers who really take the pain to make the shit called "studie' a bit more interesting...a tough job though..but frankly speaking..at tymes I don't feel lyk being in my college.for instance today,at around 3:15..diffused sunlight pouring in the classroom full of yawns and sighs as some professer went on with a few abso-fucking-lutely boring things of vector mechanics.I ws frankly not liking being in my college,wishing myself in the home with my drumstick in hand and drumkit in front..Yeah,with that I remember that I got a new drum kit..Exiting na..??Just a few minutes back I was harrowing that why can't we take our critics positively and accept the fact that watz being told may serve a better purpose..weird actually..uff...however hard I try to divert my attention,the same nostalgia creeps back,at tymes I harrow y??why is it so difficult to come out of our past,letting them not to hindrace or future...dunno actually..I miss everything a lot..everything that I had left behind..wish I could get back there...

Screwed up,outcasted,rejected..

August 27th,07...
3:45 at night...rather morning..

Firstly please stop sniffing fish about the time...its my normal time to go off to bed...
nothing special about it....
I knew it long back...but it's not only about knowing..its all about realizing..
sumthing...we never as such "come out" or "move on in life"...
its never a series as such..or a numeric list that one comes after
another..
we love..rather tend to love ...we often fall where we r not
reciprocated..but things always remains the same..situations change..
views change....at tymes we move away..drift away from our past and
left out thoughts..but once again...a moonlit night,a rainy sunny
afternoon,coffee at night...or a sunrise at dawn takes us back to
those days that we claim to have left behind...
always....

love...so damn strange...never cud i understand wat's it..never could I comprehend...
but I know...Love is sumthing I have for u,may b Had...or may b will
have for ever...dunno...i am not very sure about this forever thing...I dun trust tym..
It so fu*king changes and so fast..weird..!!
hmm...people have a cause to leave back...not really...something to look
forward at...wish I had one..I ain't complaining..just a lament..
thou useless...
no..
everyone has smthn to look forward to...
all u hafta do it search it frm within.....
what ur heart wants....
thn think a bit on it........before u commit urself to the cause
therz not a thing to search..
I need to make a new beginning....but at tymes this theory fails..
as all does..
but i feel I have reasons..thr r sum till to die if i suicide..
for them i'm tied..
but u kno what..
never tie a man to the bedpost..he'll die a worse death...
but death is just the beginning...just a mere start to a new cause...
u cant set slots in ur life.....
one self grows from another.....when u think abt a new beginning and reinvent urself...
dun forget that it was what ur older self had been thru that made u do so....
this realization itself binds us to our past..to our future.....

out loved ones...our hate ones.......they r the one who saw us thru......
we r only given choices....and none of them is the right choice....
the sliver lining....none of them are wrong either
but who decides whatz right and wrong.....
who says therz a parameter..then how r choices right or how r they wrong..they are never...
what makes me sit back here at 3:30 in the night..rather morning...y can't I go off to sleep lyk the rest of the world...so many of them can't be wrong...but they are i know..i know they are...
uff..see I again went to this right and wrong issues..
what made me never to sit back with a copy and practice some shit called Academics from those
piles of book that I even dinnot bother to buy...
wat happened to me..?did I thinK i am a hero or something...?following phases were not too sad but painful...for me at least..
the world saw it differently..they went by comparison..they overlooked that it was the rest of them who faired badly..and just that made me a bit stand apart..they failed to realise it was not my credit..but the discredit of the rest..but y not...y wasn't it my credit..did I devote myself in somebody else..??
or did I at all..
confused am I...ppl say true devotion never fails..but was it true..now again...those abstract terms of true and false bothers me...
sigh...........
nothin is s 'normal'........its general......no one's mad........they are 'bothered'...(or not at all)
it's statistics.....these r terms of our society....
smthng i utterly disrespect...........
buy y do we??u kno tht i cant reason.....
mayb cuz i smtym think that if i ws sittin in the beaches of maldives....
with the inky ocean all around...the palms...the warm sand.......all day....all night........,y heart strecthin out nd away........my eyes seein more than that is there........
tht i wld hav been the happiest person...u c..my dear,that this dream i cant turn to reality.....or even try...
cuz society intervenes.......
if we donot care about the society then how comes we care or not..
y do we hate society..??
coz it cumes between u and our dream...??
perhaps I kno y do I hate society..
coz I have to answer to every stupid critic who r worthless enuf to n fucked out..
every tym a girl comes over to my place overnite...
I hate society coz the frequency of my mom's visit increases many fold tym each tym its locked
or some frnd comes to my room and shez of opp sex..how strange..
I hate society coz I have to think b4 fallin in love with a girl that what is the future of relationships..is he earning enuf to buy her a dress...shit..all shit dear..!!
I hate society coz once u hold hands on road u r behind bars..but rapes goes on even without tax...none actuall bothers apart from the victim..
huh??tax..tax is on legal money..most of it out there r bribes..but wats their fault...
5 children 2 wives in home...100/- per day is too meagre..where from moral comes when we have no dry roti to stuff down our throat...but in the end life goes on and society rocks...
here mayb.......
but not elsewhere........
but b it anywhr.......
it hinders u frm doin what u wish....frm ur heart...cuz it has no respect for innocence...

Friends never say "goodbye"...!!

Even today when I look into the horizon,
Why your eyes make me forget the pain of death,
Why in this world of hatred,tortures and poison,
I breathed protected in your heaven of faith?

Life has much more been a mere journey with u
It's worth looking back,and admire now...
You brought smile to my white trembling lips,
And gave me back what I lost forever.....

You gave me the best memories of my short life
Only those were the hours,when I really lived
U know what were the best days on this knife?
Your hugs and kisses that I cherished for life..

How easily u said a "goodbye"
But failed to see the way I shattered
I'd someday really like to know why
How could u miss things that mattered??


I always found you when I was hurt and broken,
Y can't I see u at this hour then?
If u r still there and I can't see.....
My eyes are then blinded by tears of glee.

In our journey of life we ran towards light
My tears became taunts since both were bright;
Today I sit back and think where I was wrong
It was when I realised,your absence played the song

May b someday,I kno....u will return
Dunno,ifmy fuel by then already run;
I decided to smoke my lungs to ashes,
or drink like hell to avoid your flashes..


Remember what u once said to me...
"we knoe each other too well to fall in love"
Life became enchained by life's own sorrow..
In these eyes ther's no hope for tomorrow..

Remember those days when we stood against the world,
But never did I hear a word came outta ur lips..
Remember those words that u always said..
"never leave a girl alone when she is upset"

Dunno whether I can leave without you,
But I kno sure I wanna die by you..
I hate to smoke as much as u do
But I'm not left with any optons too...


Dunno how u got me before I ever said,
Before any request from my side was made;
I just cried gripping my pillow tight,
But respected you lyk hell during our fight.

I want u to get the best in life,
That makes me someday proud;
Least I can say with my head held high,
With you I spent the best moments of my life...

My life was just an open book....
But none cared to give it a look;
It was the story of a screwed up guy...
who'll never b able to bid u bye..!!!!